Happiness: State of Mind or Circumstancial?

I had dinner last night with an old friend who has gone through probably the most traumatic experience of all my close friends. Her father, who was by far the most important person in her life, died after a painful bout with brain cancer when we were sophomores in college. I remember thinking at the funeral, will she go another day in her life without crying? Will every "happy" occasion be marred with a tinge of sadness that he could not be there to experience it with her? That was four years ago. Since then she managed to have the ups and downs one expects not only from a college kid but from someone who lost "the love of her life" at twenty. Somehow after falling into a deep deep depression and fleeing to Europe for a year to escape the reality of her new life, she managed to graduate on time from an Ivy League school Phi Beta Kappa (for those of you do not not speak super-smart, that means graduating with above a 3.75 gpa).

So over salad in my small apartment last night, we discussed what it is like to deal with sadness. I have endured a few quite sad events over the past few years, the two most tragic of which involve both my parents separately. So understandably, I have become in these past few years, quite a serious person. I find myself more often deep in thought and conversation than discussing why Heidi married Spencer or what happened on Saturday night. My seriousness has also made me realize how important it is to plan fun things in life as well. When the lowest of the lows would come, a fun party or dinner or movie trip was what picked me up and made me feel 23 and not 50 in the type of issues I had to deal with. Watching my Phi Beta Kappa friend stress about boyfriends and jobs and losing 4 lbs last night was almost refreshing. Will I some day have such an easy going life that this is what I worry about? If she can overcome that tremendous amount of grief, surely I can!

When I expressed to her my intense desire to one day wake up and think of nothing but work, my friends, my plans and my boyfriend, she said one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. "You know to people that don't know you, you seem pretty normal" I laughed at the picture it painted of me but appreciated the sentiment nevertheless. So my question is: Is happiness a state of mind (as I have often preached) or circumstantial since most of my "happy" friends have pretty carefree lives? I would say that your state of mind determines whether or not you will let unhappiness cripple you. I am pleased to say I still get up and go to work each day, go out socially several nights a week and actually have fun when I am out most of the time, exercise occasionally, shower, read, go to Ballet class, take voice lessons....you get it I'm not in bed for weeks on end! But do I think one can wake up and flip on the happy switch? Everyday I wake up determined to be happy, and every night I go to sleep, well, not sleeping but instead thinking...when will all of this stop? When will I be left unburdened by other people's mistakes and problems?

So I am trying my best to think "full steam ahead" and "be happy" but I also know that the sadness will not disappear with each declaration of my resolve. In someways I believe accepting its' presence prevents me from shoving it to a deep down spot where it will stay until it erupts in the form of a bad marriage, passing it onto my children, a drug habit, alcoholism, theft, murder, abuse, obesity, mental illness....no I'd rather take it in stride. Oh and for those of you who know me, a little TLC never hurt the healing process : )